I can remember a conversation with my mother when she was in her early 40s, maybe just turned 40. She was doing or saying something that did not strike college-aged me as appropriate for a 40-something year old grown up. Then she told me that she didn't feel her age -- that inside, she felt like she was still in her 20s. I laughed at her. And, well, we all know what a bitch karma can be.
Now, I get it. I get what she meant. I don't feel my age. I still feel like the little girl moving into her first apartment. I jump at noises, think I'm managing to sneak something when I get a bottle of wine or any yummy dessert from the grocery store bakery, and feel luxuriously independent when drinking on the sofa. Every day at work it's as if it were my first day and I'm starting from scratch when it comes to things like intelligence and competence and attire. Most of all, I feel like a little girl when I'm around other adults. Even around people my age, or, gasp!, younger - it always seems like they are grown up and have it all together, and I'm just playing house. I look at my beautiful Little Kids and am struck with terror and momentary shock that I am the dominant female protector and role model in their lives. I can't pinpoint how I old I feel like I am, but it's definitely not how old I really am.
One of the most common moments during which this confusion pops up is around the opposite sex (as in male, not as in getting some). Everyday I travel in an elevator, see lots of guys going to and from work or meetings, and everyday I just think, wow, these people are grown up. I must appear like a gray-haired 12 year old. Of course, when married, this wasn't a huge deal. Yes, I felt uncomfortable at times around "grown ups" but no biggie. Now? It feels more like a biggie. Or at least a mediumie.
The other day, my attorney was talking with me about some details in the separation agreement - also known in my mind as The Agreement - which we're trying to finalize. Some items have been left for mutual agreement at a future time. She commented that this approach wouldn't be advisable for a longer-term, more permanent agreement, but it's where we are now. Her other comment was that future mutual agreement wasn't good in the long-term since so many things get more complicated when other people enter the picture. Other people as in the trollops Hubby would take up with. I suppose that would include anyone I got involved with but that's not feeling likely. Yes, some of that stems from insecurity and a less than desirable (no pun intended) sense of self-esteem, but it primarily comes from the worry of who would want to take up with a divorced, gray-haired 12 year old with kids? And if someone did, what kind of person would that be? Would I want to be with that person? Could I even agree with that person on a movie choice? What college would that kind of person cheer for? This is a problem.
I keep seeing commercials for various internet matching sites - the standards (you know who they are), the speciality groups (old people, people of various faiths, people who like to farm or be near pastures and outdoor animals) - is there one for younger people trapped in older bodies? Would this be something like FreakyFriday.com (the Jodie Foster version, not the remake) or perhaps something like 13GoingOn30.com (that wouldn't be a bad world - Jennifer Garner is lovely and Pat Benatar can provide good life advice) ... But I don't see those commercials so I'm at a loss. Hopefully it won't come to that but if it does, Gentle Reader, I'm sure it'll be hee-larious in a train wreck kind of way.
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