Dear Reader,
It's been so long since I've typed I hardly know where to start. I could be polite and ask how you are but needless to say I'm not in the best emotional place right now.
I've been dealing with depression for years. It's a huge cause of the breakup of my marriage. There, I said it. And that makes me angry. Well, angry may not be the right word. It makes me downright pissed. Yeah, I said that too. It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to feel this way and it's not fair that that jerk couldn't understand and didn't have the patience, understanding or interest to stick with me. Yes, it lasted for awhile. And yes, he picked up a lot of slack while it was happening. But then, that was it. I couldn't do anything right. If I tried to get help and wasn't getting better fast enough, I wasn't trying to get better. If I tried to get help and some improvements seemed too fast, then it was obviously a small enough problem and I was wrong to not get help sooner. See, no winning.
I don't know what to do. I'm so angry that I can't seem to get the life I want back. I'm so angry that I don't know what to do to make things better. I know that's what I want. I want my marriage and I want my family back. Do I have that? No. And over the last day and a half, I've started to think that it's not going to happen. Why do I think that? Hard to say. Lots of reasons that add up. Common sense. Falling into an emotional canyon and losing hope? Falling into an emotional canyon and deciding that optimism without cause is just stupidity. Whatever the reason, I can't seem to stop crying. Last night I even threw up a bit because I had gotten so worked up from the sobbing.
He spent the day as he wanted. He went running, went out to help a friend/colleague, and then was home with the family. And by family I mean our children and their babysitter. The new happy family four-some as I've been calling them. I resent that. I resent him. I resent her. He says that that's not the case and that there's nothing like that happening. In some moments, I've believed him. Now, I'm just tired of ignoring every instinct that says that I'm really living in some Lifetime movie and just being laughed at behind my back. How did this happen? How did my life get here?
I know that life isn't fair for most people but how did things come to suck this much? I could only keep realizing that 2012 has sucked incredibly and I have no realistic reason to believe that 2013 would suck any less. My other rock bottom moment? I went grocery shopping last night and I couldn't stop thinking that I was Shelley Long in Irreconcilable Differences. I was fat and alone and bitter. And if you recall that gem of a movie, even when that grocery shopping trip pulled her out of her funk, her life didn't really improve. She lost weight, wrote a hit book and got a bad 80s haircut but she was still alone. I'd say that I was on track to become a cat lady but I hate cats so I can't even look forward to that companionship. Yes, I adore my kids, but they love their dad and they love their babysitter. Even if they love me, I'm feeling destined to just be that "other place" they go. The person they have to take care of as adults and the person they have to remember to not say things in front of about their dad and stepmother. I can only hope I bounce out of this enough to be able to function again and not be stared at when I actually leave the house but I'm not entirely sure when or how that is going to happen.
I just hate this. I fucking hate this and I just don't know what to do.
